Advice Part Two : Why Do You Ask For It?

Typically whenever I write a blog post I always send it to either one of my sisters or one of my best friends. Why do I do it? Because I need advice. Which leads me to adding this second part to my previous post last week.

Why do people even ask for advice in the first place? 

Personally, I rarely ask people for deep meaningful advice. I talk pretty openly about my life with people who are close to me. If I find myself going through a certain situation or dealing with something, nine times out of ten the person who I am sharing this information with will offer up some type of advice. Not saying it’s unwanted (even though I may not have asked for it), sometimes I just like to talk things out. When I’m vocal about what I’m going through and what’s happening in my life, I can usually talk some sense into myself and solve my own problems…or so I like to think. Like just now, I may have told a fib — maybe me talking to people about my life and being so open is my subconscious seeking advice from others. Hmm…that’s a thought.

But back to the point of the post – why do we ask others for advice? Are we searching for some sort of approval? Are we looking for someone to talk us into something? Are we looking for someone to talk us OUT of something? Do we actually really need advice, or are we just vocalizing our circumstances so that we can boast, brag, or inform others? Like seriously, what is it? Here are some ideas…

Number one…insecurity. Surprisingly as selfish and self-absorbed as our society is, I still find that there is a hint of insecurity in everyone. Everyone is seeking approval in some way or another from someone else. People love to be noticed. People love attention. But no one truly likes bad attention…unless you’re just really that desperate, but I’ll save that for another post. When we ask others for advice, if it is coming from a place of insecurity, we are looking for that reassurance. We want someone to give us a genuine and honest opinion about whatever it is that we are coming to them with, so that we feel better about ourselves. So that we become more confident in what we are doing, what we are saying, and how we are living. Prime example…y’all know I am severely insecure (or I used to be, a lot has changed…another different post). So me going to friends and family asking for advice on my posts is not because I don’t think it’s good – or I don’t like it. I just don’t want to look like an idiot and sound dumb to the whole world (because yes, in my head everyone reads my blog, and if you don’t…you suck). So…there’s that. I care what people think (too much).

Number two…selfishness. This is the ‘I’m asking you, but I’m not really asking you’ type of advice. The world revolves around you baby. There is always that one person that wants to tell you any and everything that they are going through. Not because they are truly looking for advice, because quite honestly even if you gave it to them they probably wouldn’t listen because they already think they know everything and can do no wrong. You could have this person come to you with a problem that they are going through, and in your mind you’re thinking ‘oh okay, well they are seeking advice’. Nope. Wrong. They just want attention. They want you to know what they are going through, who they are going through things with, why they are going through things. And God forbid you give some sort of advice that makes them realize they’re either wrong or an idiot – then I bet you a dollar and a pickle that they’d find some way to flip it on you and start giving you that unwanted advice that you didn’t even ask for. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Number three…need for authority. Something to think about – why does our society feel the need to have people tell them what to do? Why do we confide in others and search for them to give us information that we could very well find on our own? Yes, everyone goes through different things. Yes, it’s nice to hear someone’s perspective on a situation you are going through if that person has already gone through it. But why do some people hold off on following their own gut in search to just hear it from someone else. Here’s a little personal (maybe too personal) example for you. I was in a relationship with someone and I knew in my heart that it was not a healthy relationship (not the first time I’ve been in one of those, another post, another day…wow I have a lot to write about). Anyways, it was an emotionally abusive relationship, and like I said, I know I didn’t need to be in it. Knowing that I am (was) insecure and already didn’t like myself very much, I didn’t need to be with someone who made me feel even worse about myself than I already did. But did I go anywhere? Nah. It took me a while of seeking advice from others (everyone basically just telling me to do what I already knew I needed to do) to actually get my life together and see that wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. Why did I just need to hear it from someone else? Who knows…clearly I have some sort of weird need for authority, even though I hate being bossed around.

So there you have it…next time you find yourself in a situation where you are seeking advice from someone, ask yourself – why am I asking this person for help? Do you really need it? Are you just trying to vocalize something? Is this really the right person to be asking?

Oh and one more thing, don’t doubt yourself baby. Have more faith in YOU. Trust me…you will be much more happier. ❤

p.s. shout out to my ex if you’re reading this and knew I was talking about you. No hard feelings lol 🙂


Advice : It Ain’t Always Good

Advice : guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.

All advice, is not good advice. Let’s just start with that concept. Typically when a person finds themselves in a situation where they are going to another person (a friend, family member, significant other, etc…) they are genuinely seeking help and/or input from an outside source – whom of which that they trust and can confide in. Now this can go many different ways depending upon the person and depending upon the situation. 

Scenario One – Selfish (Self-Serving) Advice
This is coming from someone who cares about you, but also probably cares about themselves quite a bit more. You have to be careful when taking advice from people with selfish intentions. While their advice may help you out in the beginning, in the long run you can find yourself in situations where they may either hold it against you, use you, or try to make it seem as though they did you a favor and you owe them something. Beware. 

Scenario Two – Uneducated Advice
Pretty self-explanatory but I’ll break it down for you anyways…basically this person has no idea what the hell they are talking about. You ever have that one friend who has gone through break up after break up or had bad things continually happen to them and they still try to give you relationship advice? Yeah, prime example of this one. Be careful who you take your advice from when it comes to serious situations. While your friends and peers may truly want to help you and think they are helping you, not everyone is the same. What works for them, may not work for you – or to keep it even more real, what they go through, you may not want to go through. 

Scenario Three – Unsolicited Advice
Nobody asked you. Seriously, nobody asked you. I feel like we all have that one friend that thinks they know the key to everything and how everyone else should go about their lives. When in actuality if you were to look at their lives and their day-to-day situations, something just ain’t right. Yup, why even do that to yourself? Good doesn’t always come from good intentions, so you can listen…but you don’t always have to act. 

That made sense right? There are plenty of other types of advice people can give you, solicited, low-level, high-level, the list goes on. But I feel like the aforementioned three pretty much sum it up. For me, I’m the type of person that if I am coming to you with a problem or a situation or a conflict, I genuinely want your advice on what YOU think is best for ME. Not what’s best for you, not what will make matters worse, not what you just think I want to hear, and surely not information on something that literally has nothing to do with what I’m going through. 

I’ve had to teach myself over the years that not everyone knows you like they think they do, not everyone knows what is really best for you in a given situation. So yes, it’s great to have people to talk to and people you can count on from a day-to-day basis. But also, take matters into your own hands and bring your problems to God more than you bring them to anyone else. He knows you best. You know yourself best. If someone is giving you advice and you feel it doesn’t quite fit your character, you don’t have to take it! No questions asked. 

100 Days of Happiness

Seems totally doable, no? I was stumbling around on social media today (per usual) and saw a good friend of mine, Kelly, post something on her page about this “100 Days of Happiness Challenge.” It immediately caught my attention for many reasons, the obvious one being the word happiness…who doesn’t love to be happy!?

So anyways, I reached out to her to ask her what this was all about and to learn a little bit more because I love doing numeric challenges and seeing how long I can actually keep up with them. This one, by the way, will be the longest one ever lol but totally worth it for what it stands for and represents. I asked her about it and she said that essentially you are just supposed to post about something that makes you happy or something positive, every day, for 100 days. There are no limits, no restraints, just the opportunity for you to share your happiness with the people around you.

For me, I really want to take it upon myself to stick to this challenge because I know that I let things bother me WAY more often than I should. So if I remind myself everyday of something that makes me happy or something positive in my life, I’m hoping that I will fall into a better routine of positivity and personal encouragement.

Day One: “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
A.A. Milne

This is my entry for the day because this is one of my most favorite quotes. Yes, I am fully aware that it is from Winnie the Pooh – do not judge me. But my reason for sharing this is that I have always tried to base my personal relationships (of all kinds) off of this quote. I try to be an extremely loyal person to the people I love and care about. No matter what happens in life, good or bad, I don’t want to be a person that could ever be talked about negatively. I try to be the best person I can be, I try to be the nicest person, and I truly try to make everyone happy (sometimes I try too hard – but this is about happiness so I won’t get into that! Lol) So for those people who are a part of life, who used to be a part of my life, and who will one day be a part of my life – know and remember, that you’ll always have me and I will always believe in you…you just have to remember to believe in yourself too.

So…here’s to 100 days! Don’t be a flake Kopper Joi! 😉

Life Love Lessons

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don’t know it, all of that doesn’t even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It’s not like you have forever, so don’t waste any of your seconds, don’t throw even one of your moments away.”

It’s taken me years to become the woman who I am today. And I mean that in all aspects of my life, things have changed and improved. I used to be so unsure of myself and things happening in my life, but as of late I am confident in saying that I’ve finally gotten a grasp on who I am, what I deserve, and what I want to become.

Taking a closer look, I’ll start from the inside and work my way out. This past year I have taken a lot of time to work on shaping my thoughts to be more positive and encouraging. I’ve looked into different methods to help with that process as well – meditation, therapy, journalism, and self-reflection. All of which have had a serious impact on my thought process. I have learned that even with all my insecurities, and trust me there are (were) tons, I still have managed to acquire a big ego. Now when I first was told this/learned this, I was a bit taken back. Because how can one have a big ego but be filled with insecurities? And after dissecting what exactly both of those mean, this is the conclusion that I came to. In my heart I know who I am and what I am; so therefore I am confident and have a big ego in what I can offer. But the way others view me doesn’t always reflect the way I view myself; therefore making me insecure about what I am and who I am.

That being said I’ve made the choice to push myself in being more positive about who I am. Just because one person may not like something about you, does not mean that it is a flaw. I’ve continuously trapped myself inside of this bubble of trying to please everyone around me – whether it’s in the workplace, personal relationships, friendships, etc. And while it’s not a bad thing to be a selfless person, I’ve come to realize that putting yourself first, is sometimes more necessary than you think. You have to look out for you just as much as you look out for other people, if not more. So circling back to my ego, I know that I have a good heart, I know that I am a nice person, and I know that I truly value the relationships I have with everyone. But if something is detrimental to who I am as a person, I’ve just made the choice to no longer tolerate it. Negative energy can really take a toll on you in the long run. So surround yourself with people who love and care about you. People who focus on the positives rather than the negatives, and I guarantee you, you will be happier in life, and with yourself. 

A while back I did a post on self-confidence and mentioned that I was learning to love the way I look and embrace how I was created. Since the beginning of the year I have been really working on getting my body to look the way I want it to look. If you know anything about me, you know that has ALWAYS been a struggle of mine. Through working out, eating healthier, and just taking better care of myself (part in thanks to being ill and having to make some life changes, look how God works lol), I have come a very long way. While I still have some ways to go, I have never been more confident in my body and the way I look as I do now. Well…minus junior year in high school but that doesn’t count because it didn’t last long lol!

Truth be told people will tell you all day everyday, “looks don’t matter.” But nine times out of ten they are lying to you. Looks may not be everything, but they are a solid foundation for who you are as a person. How you appear is how people view you before getting to know you. And I’m not saying that you have to be skinny, thick, short, tall, or whatever you classify as “gorgeous” – I see it as if you take care of yourself and present yourself in a positive and strong way, than no one can take the power of beauty from you. If you need to wear make up, wear it. If you need to lose weight, do it. If you need to get a weave, buy those bundles. But don’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself because you don’t look like everyone else in magazines and on social media. Half of that shit is pure editing anyways. Love who you are, just the way God made you. And if you don’t, only you have the power to change it. Carry yourself with confidence. Embrace your beauty, inside and out so that you can shine and be recognized as the queen that you are meant to be.